


Let me Explain

by SamWinchesterIsAHero



Series: Starting Over [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Sam, Implied Mpreg, Jerk Dean, M/M, Miscarriage, Miscommunication, Mpreg, Past Mpreg, Wincest - Freeform, jerk!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 14:13:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4103845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamWinchesterIsAHero/pseuds/SamWinchesterIsAHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam tells Dean why he didn't look for him. Dean doesn't expect what Sam has to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let me Explain

**Author's Note:**

> Still more to come after this. So stay tuned if you like!

The car ride had been silent, the only thing filling the silence was Dean's music blasting through the impala's speakers. Sam tried to distract himself by reading, he gave up on conversation about two hours ago.  
Dean taps his fingers along to the music, ignoring Sam. He won't talk to him unless it's essential or about the case. He's not connecting with Sam since he came back. He doesn't care really, because he's pissed still that Sam didn't look for him when he was in Purgatory. Ditched him for a fucking girl and normal apple pie life. Honestly it hurts that Sam seems to have moved on from him so quickly, years of them in a relationship. Whenever they were in a relationship they were exclusive, but those _years _were wiped out in a matter of _months. _So yea, Sam having his nose buried in a book doesn't bother him, it just means he doesn't have to bother talking to his brother.  
Sam rests his head on the window, trying to fall asleep. Dean's been back for two months now, but it feels like he never came back at all. He won't touch Sam, they haven't started their relationship again, and Sam desperately wants it back. He doesn't want to tell Dean though why he didn't look for him, feels like he can't. It hurts still, an ache in Sam's heart, ghosts of pain shooting from his abdomen like contractions, sometimes ghosts of what feels like kicks. In his dreams he sees his daughter of what she could of been, strong cries and laughter. In his nightmares it's what it had been, soft and weak cries, watching the life leave his daughter's body over and over again as she takes her final breath. Since her death Sam had been depressed, when Dean came back it got much better, but he could feel himself slipping back into depression, slipping faster with every cold and angered glare his brother sends him. With these thoughts he slips to sleep.____

Looking over at Sam sleeping Dean can't help but smile. He tries to remind himself that he's pissed at Sam, but he can't hide the love he still has for his brother. He desperately wants to start again what they had before he went to Purgatory, but he can't bring himself to with what Sam did to him. Abandoned him, for a girl. He looks a little to long and the car starts to veer off the road, he jerks it back onto the road and stares straight ahead.  
Sam jerks awake, his book sliding to the floor. "What?" He looks around to see what caused the jerking motion.

____"Deer," is all Dean says, eyes never leaving the road._ _ _ _

____Sam nods and rubs his eyes. Dean turns the music up a notch._ _ _ _

They travel for a few more hours before Dean turns into a motel and gets them a room. "Two twins," he says, handing over a fake credit card to the person at the desk. Sam's waiting outside when Dean comes out, wordlessly handing Sam the spare key to the room. It's a restless night for Sam, all of them have been since Joan's death. As he falls asleep he longs for his brother to be in the same bed with him, to wrap his arms around him and hold him. Once he falls asleep he has dreams of their daughter that wakes him up with an aching feeling in his chest of wanting, or nightmares that wake him up in tears. Him and Dean don't kiss, or touch. Rarely do they speak just to talk to each other. Sam rolls over and watches Dean toss and turn in the bed next to his. Dean's eyes flicker quickly behind his lids, indicating he's dreaming, probably having a nightmare by his restlessness. Sam knows he's dreaming of Purgatory, he wants to calm Dean, kiss and soothe him. He figures though a move like that would probably get him punched.  
The next morning they hit the road right away, no breakfast even. They just stop at a gas station for crappy microwaved burritos and cheap black coffee.  
It's more silence as they drive, and Sam's sick of it, feels like it's suffocating him. His brother looks at him like he couldn't care more about him than a total stranger, every look, or glare more like, filled with either anger and hatred, or hurt and rejection. He wants Dean back, if not as his lover, at least as his brother. As Dean taps his fingers over the steering wheel to the beat of the music Sam decides to just go for it. "Are we ever going to be what we were, are we ever going to be brothers again at least."  
Dean turns his head to glare at Sam. "We'll always be brothers, genetics saw to that, can't change it." Sam flinches at those words, not even trying to pretend they didn't hurt him, Dean doesn't seem to notice, if he did he doesn't care.  
"What's crawled up your ass since you got back?" Sam can see it the moment the words register in Dean's head and he insistently regrets them.  
Dean slams on the breaks, the car skidding a couple yards before it comes to a complete halt. Dean slowly, deadly, turns his head, no expression on his face. "Who the fuck are you to ask me anything?" His tone is dry and hard, unfeeling.  
Sam glares back, wishing he could tell Dean, make him understand. "You owe me and explanation," he can't take it back now; it's out there, they're doing this. Dean doesn't make a sound, his glare cold, eating through Sam like acid. He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, then swallows and clears his voice. "I owe you nothing," his voice is dark and hateful, "You didn't even look for me."  
Sam glares back, wants to shout at Dean that he _did _look for Dean, for two months, that he stopped because he was pregnant with _their daughter! _His eyes water, he can see what a year in Purgatory has done to Dean, how it has hardened him. He looks away from Dean before he can see his tears. He doesn't reply, can't trust is voice.____  
"That's what I thought," Dean says as he starts the car again. Sam can't say anything for the rest of the drive, he's just staring ahead, his mind racing with everything he wants to say and do.  
When they stop again for the night in a motel, another two queens, Dean ignoring him as he heads for their room. Sam can't take it anymore. When he walks through the door after Dean, shutting the door behind him he opens his mouth and the words just fly out. "I looked for you." Dean turns around and looks at him, "What?" "I looked for you, for two months." Dean looks at him, "You still abandoned me for a girl, you still stopped. I looked for you for a year, still was when you came back when you were in hell."  
"I did stop, but not for what you thought. About two months after you left I was getting sick, I was constantly tired, and throwing up, and was having nose bleeds and tons of other symptoms. So I went to the doctor and he told me that I was... that I was pregnant." Sam took a breath and looked at the disbelieving look on his brother's face.  
"I-I'm sorry you were what?" Dean stuttered out disbelieving. "I know it sounds impossible, I didn't know it was possible either, but apparently about 5% of the male population has an extra gene that allows them to healthily conceive, carry, and give birth to a child just like a woman. I have that gene, and the last night before you killed Dick we hadn't used a condom... and well I got pregnant." Dean looked at him, "You were pregnant?" "Yea." "It was mine?" "Yea." Dean backed up till his knees hit the edge of the bed and he sat down onto it. "So, you don't look very pregnant, where's the baby? You didn't give it up did you? Or... get rid of it?" Sam felt his eyes get watery, he walked over and sat on the other bed, sitting across from his brother. "No, god no. I couldn't have. The baby was apart of you, the only part I had left of you. I thought it was like a gift from God, his way of somehow making up for taking you from me. That he gave me a part of you. I stopped looking for you to take care of myself to take care of the baby, to get a job and save up so I could give her everything we never had." "It was a girl?" Sam smiled and gave a single laugh. "Yea we had a girl, a beautiful baby girl Dean." Dean looked at him, and gestured for him to continue. "I was doing everything I could, to take care of her, keeping us both healthy. She was small though, the doctor said it wouldn't be a problem if she was born on time, after the full nine months," Sam took a shaky breath, Dean reached his hand out and placed in over Sam's, offering comfort, Sam gave him a small smile. "I was seven months pregnant when I woke up in the middle of the night having contractions, my water broke, I was going into labor, it was to soon." Sam felt tears starting to roll down his cheeks, and quickly reached up to wipe them away. Dean quickly moved over to sit next to Sam and wrapped an arm around him, wiping away his tears with his other hand. "I gave birth to her, but god Dean she was so small, when she cried the first time it was so soft and weak, it wasn't even a cry. She died in my arms, she didn't even live half an hour." Sam look over at Dean, tears streaming down his face and found to his surprise that Dean was crying to. "I had to sit through doctors and nurses telling me there was nothing I or they could of done, that she was just to small, that it was nothing I had done, it just wasn't meant to be." Dean let out a shaky breath, "Sammy, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I thought-oh my god Sammy. Thank you for taking care of our daughter." Sam smiled at him, Dean spoke again, "Did you name her? What did you name her?" Sam smiled at that, "I named her Joan, she kicked for the first time when I was listening to Joan Jett, so I thought it was a good name." Dean let out a laugh as well, "That's my girl! Classic rock fan!" Sam smiled back, "She was beautiful Dean, she was perfect. She had your hair, and my nose. She had dad's brown eyes. She was perfect." Dean pulled Sam into a hug, burying his head into Sam's shoulder and cried, Sam did the same, clinging to Dean. "Thank you Sammy, thank you for keeping her, thank you for stopping looking for me to take care of our daughter. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for these past months, I'm sorry for everything I've done." Sam sobbed harder at the words, "It's OK Dean, you didn't know, I should have told you sooner."

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They stayed in each other's embrace for what felt like hours before Sam broke the silence. "I missed you so much, I wanted to die. I felt like I couldn't live without you, I didn't want to live without you. She gave me a reason to live, after she died I felt like the only reason I couldn't die was because you would be so disappointed in me if I did. I had no idea where you were, what happened, I thought you were dead. I had no way to know you were alive." Dean pulled away a bit to look into Sam's eyes, "Sammy, not a day went by that I wasn't trying to get back to you," his voice cracked at the words. "I needed you, I needed my brother, my lover, my soulmate. I dreamed of you, every night. You were my focus, the thing that was going to be here when I got out, the reason for me to get out. Then I get out and get to you and, and you tell me you hadn't looked for me, my brother and lover, my flesh and blood, the man I would bed and kill for, I thought you forgot about me. I was mad, I didn't know, I'm sorry." Sam reached up and cradled Dean's face, "Dean I never forgot you." Sam leaned forward and laid a gentle kiss on Dean's mouth and Dean responded enthusiastically, deepening the kiss and they each poured all their love for each other into the kiss. Sam pulled away, breathless "I love you Dean, you are my everything." Dean touched his forehead to Sam's and responded, "I love you too Sammy, more than anything and anyone." Sam felt like he could cry at those words, he had waited months to hear them again.  
Sam yawned, feeling drained from the activities of the day. Dean noticed and softly pushed him back down onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Sam behind him and pulling the blankets over them. Sam and Dean both slept peacefully for the first time in months._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sam woke up to an empty and cold bed. Suddenly awake he sat up in bed, worried that Dean had left him after finding out about Joan. "Dean? Dean?!" Dean quickly appeared in the door way of the bathroom, and seeing the fear on his brother's face quickly rushed over to him and sat on the edge of the bed, cradling Sam's head in his hands. He pressed a quick but loving kiss to his brother's lips, "S'okay Sammy, I'm still here, not going anywhere I promise. Never leaving you." Sam sighed in relief and leaned into his brother, enjoying his missed embrace. Dean nudged Sam then, "Wanna join me in the shower?" Dean looked down at him and smirked, Sam couldn't help but smile up at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sam lay in his brother's embrace later that night in the motel bed. Completely sated, and happily sore from the days activities, glad to have finally have his brother and lover back completely. Sam was just drifting off to sleep when Dean tapped his shoulder, signaling that he wanted his attention. Sam looked up at his brother, Dean had a look on his face like he was contemplating what he was going to say. "Dean?" Dean looked down at Sam, and motioned for him to sit up. Dean took a deep breath before he spoke. "Sammy, you don't have to. I know how much the situation has hurt you; but if you want, we can try again." Sam looked at his brother in confusion, "Try again?" "You always wanted a family, kids, and I can give that to you, we can have a family together, and I want that Sam. I want that with you. I'm not saying we have to now, we don't have to ever. But when you're ready if you want, we can try for another baby. We can have a family together, stop hunting, and have a normal apple pie life." Sam felt himself tearing up at his brother's and lover's words. "You would stop hunting, and have a family with me Dean?" "Yes, I would, I want to Sam. We don't have to now, whenever you're ready. We can start trying in a couple weeks or months, or a few years if you want. Whenever you're ready if you want to. I'll be ready." Sam wiped away a tear before he spoke. "Dean I want that, but I'm not ready yet, I need more than a few weeks, a few months, but I don't want to wait years. I don't know when, but it won't be years. I want a family with you Dean." Dean smiled at his brother and leaned in to kiss him gently, "When ever you're ready Sammy, I promise. I love you so much." "I love you too Dean."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think of this in the comments! Thanks!


End file.
